When I was in sixth grade I decided to try out for the volleyball team. It was a huge step for me considering I hated gym class, and I was very insecure about my weight.
This decision was based solely on the fact that while in gym class I found that volleyball was the only sport I liked to play. So I mustered up enough courage to go to the tryouts.
As a child I struggled with anxiety on a daily basis, although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. I often found myself in the nurses office with the same excuse that my belly hurt. After awhile, when I was having a bad day at school, I learned that this often got my mom to come pick me up and take me home, so I would often lie about my belly hurting so I could go home.
On the day of the volleyball tryouts I was nervous. My stomach DID hurt that day, I went to the nurses office and she said, “How are you going to be on the volleyball team when your stomach hurts all the time?”
The nurse was on to me. She knew I often used the excuse that my stomach hurt just to go home. But even her little comment made me doubt my ability to be on the team. So I left the nurses office and went back to class because I wanted to prove to her that I was strong enough to be on the volleyball team.
Later that day it was tryout time, I was so nervous. Most of all I was afraid that I would look stupid or the kids would make fun of me. But I wanted to be there so bad. I thought if I could just get through the tryout then I would be OK.
I don’t remember how I caught the attention of my gym teach (also the volleyball coach.) But I do remember he was surprised I was there (I really hated gym and hardly ever participated.) Once he saw me, he approached me and asked me what I was doing there. I told him I was trying out for the volleyball team. He then proceeded to say “You can’t do this…you know you shouldn’t be here.”
I was devastated, and if I wasn’t on the verge of breaking down emotionally I probably would have fought back. But I didn’t, I left the gym without ever trying out for the volleyball team…
I look back on this story not with regret, but as a lesson. So often in life we will have people tell us that we can’t do something, even though something in our Spirit prompts us to do so. We are so quick to believe the lies instead of believing the truth about our self.
The truth was, I was actually GOOD at volleyball, and I WANTED to be there. At that point in my life it was difficult to motivate me to do anything. The simple fact that I showed up and worked towards even walking into that gym was a huge accomplishment for me. But I obviously didn’t believe in myself enough, and I had more doubt in my ability than faith in my efforts.
Sometimes I find myself with the same doubts creeping in with my writing, and whatever else I have said YES to. Doubts that say I don’t belong here, or that I’m really no good, or I will never fit in. But the heart of the warrior stands firm because they know that it is only by the grace of God that they are where they are in that moment.
I may not be the best writer, or even a great leader, but I am where I am today only by the grace of God, and that means something to me. We may not have faith in ourselves, but God SEES our efforts and He has faith in us.
The heart of a warrior is one that stands up and endures. They don’t give up because they know the resolve that is in their heart, and they have endured too much already in order to give up now.
Sometimes there is opposition in order to test our resolve and commitment to what The Lord has called us to. There are some things that require us to fully and completely surrender, positions that require us to endure some major opposition.
Often we blame our failures on the opposition of others, but we need to realize that our greatest battles and struggles are never fought in the public eye, nor are they between us and a group of people. Usually our greatest battles are fought in our own minds, with our own doubts, and with just one person.
The heart of a warrior agrees with the truth and NOT the lies. A warrior agrees with the One that is the author of their life, and rebukes the lies of the enemy. If a warrior agreed with the enemy then they WILL be defeated. But a warrior fights the battle before them until death, never retreating, and always enduring…
Everyday I pray that I will have the heart of a warrior.