I’m not afraid of the tears, the pain, or sorrow. When I am able to dive down into the depths of what’s really in my heart, it is refreshing and there is freedom. When I am able to express what is on my heart I trust that maybe it will help someone who is feeling the way I am feeling.
No, none of this scares me.
But what does scare me, those moments when I am unable to reach below the surface. Shallow, numb, unable to cry – those are the moments that scare me. Those are the moments I fear because when this happens I know I have built a wall and I am hiding.
“I don’t care.”
That’s what I say in my mind and that’s what I feel in my heart. A phrase I have used my whole life to protect my heart. A phrase based out of fear, and hurt. It is something that has gotten me through some dark moments in my life before I had Christ, but I also know it is an attitude that has hurt others, too.
The truth is I do care.
I care about what other people think of me, but I can’t let that take me away from the love and acceptance I have found in being a child of God.
I do care about my husband, my kids, and my family but I shouldn’t love them more than I love God.
The truth is it’s not easy letting go. We cling to what we think is important, we hold tight to the lies that we have been told. We want acceptance more than we want God, and we love others more than we love God. We need to find this balance between the apathy of not caring, and staying on the course of the mission and the purpose God has given us as an individual.
All God wants is for us to be the unique person He has created us to be. How can that happen when we are numb, shallow, and our heart is hardened? How can we do that when we care more about the things of this world than we do the heart o God? Nothing pours put of us, and everything, including the lies and the hurt, stay blocked in.
Over the years I have most definitely learned that being numb and apathetic to what is in front of me in not the answer. I remember being in church one day after a season of putting up a wall and telling myself that I do not care, and I remember finally looking over and feeling a twinge of empathy for someone seated close by.
I honestly thought I would never allow myself to care ever again!
In that moment I stopped focusing on the hurt feelings and I started focusing on the true nature of the heart of God, which now resided in me through the power of the Holy Spirit. It was a moment where I realized I needed to stop hiding behind this wall where I was pretending not to care, but I also needed to find a way to get beyond this pain that was obviously caused by caring too much about something, or someone, that really was not meant to hold me back but was meant to propel me forward.
Maybe it is about finding that balance of confessing that we care and then allowing God to work out what He needs to work out in that very moment and in that very situation.
I’ve had to tell the Lord the I DO care about the injustice of it all. I did tell God how much I cared and that I felt completely helpless about changing the situation, and I had to come to the acceptance that it might not be resolved this side of heaven or the way I think it should be resolved.
But instead of saying we don’t care, we can give our heart over to God and let Him handle the rest.