I am reading this book called Safe People by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. In one of the chapters he talks about how people who feel they are entitled to trust actually are unsafe people.
He also started talking about how we need to focus on the relationships that are built over time instead of the ones that happen really fast.
It really got me thinking about how we all might feel like we are trustworthy people, and we may feel like people should trust us right away. In this we are feeling entitled to having someone trust us. I guess I never realized I did this until I read this book.
Not only did I want these really great relationships where people trusted me, and I trusted them, I wanted that deeper connection to just happen right away!
But with that process I found myself in relationships where I was getting hurt a lot, and people were getting hurt by me. I think we all want those close relationships, but when we rush into relationships then we are acting on a sense of entitlement instead of building strong, and long lasting relationships.
I think about when I met my husband. Everything happened so fast, and I honestly believe it was “love at first sight.” But falling in love with how someone looks isn’t built on trust. That happens over time. I think for both of us we trusted each other a little bit too quickly, in the end we had to work through some really tough things early on in our relationship as boyfriend & girlfriend, and also in our marriage.
As time went on and I began to forgive my husband, and he began to forgive me, we had to start building that foundation of trust brick by brick. Even though I felt betrayed by what my husband did, I also realized I never created a safe environment for him to be vulnerable with me.
I think we are all trying to make the most out of each day because we know our time here on earth is limited, and in that we rush into relationships, and we trust before anyone has earned that position in our life.
When we expect for people to trust us, or even be loyal to us, without us ever being intentional in creating an environment for them to be vulnerable with us, then we have no true wisdom or knowledge on how relationships are built.
When we take on the position where we re loyal to someone, and we trust people whom we have not had the opportunity to be real and vulnerable with, then I feel that is foolishness on our part.
I believe people should be authentic, and I am serious when I say JUST BE YOU!! But there are conversations with people we do not have to have. There are relationships that should never pass through the boundary of the front door of our homes.
There are things I will never share on my blog or even in my books. There are ways that I need to guard my heart when people begin to attack the words that I have put out there in my books and on my blog.
But here is the thing:
Just today I realized I don’t have to be vulnerable with everyone in order to be authentic with them. I guess there comes a point where you realize certain people truly do not deserve to have full access to your heart simply because they are not entitled to your trust.
As far as my marriage goes, I am still working on being more vulnerable with my husband while also creating an environment where my husband can be vulnerable with me about his struggles, too. I’m not perfect at it, but it’s truly the only way our marriage will find healing.
Sometimes there are people who don’t deserve that access. Then there are people who do deserve full access, and the only way to build and mend that trust is to be vulnerable.
Often I will get offended if someone isn’t “real” with me. But I guess that’s my sense of entitlement. Over the past year and a half I have learned that building strong relationships takes time.
I’m thinking every relationship should be like that, too.
Don’t stop being yourself, just trying being you in bite size pieces. Remain guarded, people will prove whether or not they are trustworthy over time.
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