Late last year there came a point where God spoke to my heart and encouraged me to just sit and watch what He will do. Up until then I had been working to control about every single situation in my life, in particular I was trying to control my husband’s illness. I wanted him better and I was determined to see that happen.
In my efforts I sent out prayer requests everywhere I could think of. I had faith that God would heal my husband. I believed and I prayed. There was one point where I prayed every single day, the same exact prayer, in hopes that I would see my husband healed overnight. But that didn’t happen. In fact his illness progressively had gotten worse. Eventually I got discouraged and gave up. I gave up control and in the process I also gave up hope.
When I realized that all hope was gone, that was when I began to send out a prayer request for God to renew my hope and my vision for the future. Because in my eyes if my husband wasn’t healed then life as *I* had planned it was over. Where was the hope if I couldn’t actually determine what I was going to receive in this life?
The beginning of my renewed hope began with God telling me to sit back and watch what He was going to do. I did feel a relief from not having to manipulate and maneuver this very confusing time in my life. I honestly had no idea what I was doing however I was determined to find the formula that was going to heal my husband and get me what I wanted out of life. I was determined to get what I wanted and create the life I thought God wanted for us. But the hypocrisy in that is that I wanted His will, and yet I was working towards mine.
So it has been a process of letting go and trusting God even when life doesn’t go the way I desired it to go. I have seen so many amazing things happen in the past four months and I continue to see more doors opening. Honestly I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life, and yet I have never felt more fulfilled either.
I’m not really sure how this all works. How I can have hope when honestly I don’t know what it is I am hoping for? Or how I can still hope when my prayer for healing over my husband goes unanswered? But I do. I still hope. I have hope that no matter what God will be glorified. But most of all I do hope that whatever happens, lives will be changed and people will commit their life to Christ. That is a true desire in my heart, that everyone who does not know Christ will come to know Him before it’s to late, and I know that’s what my husband wants too…
About Heather Bixler
Heather, I happened across your blog today and I had to comment on this post. “Life as I had planned was over.” That really strikes me because I’ve been there, AM there, live each day there, really. And it is a scary place to be.
I just told my husband a few days ago that I carry around a sense of loss, of grief, all the time. It’s been nearly 5 years since life changed irreversibly for me and I can’t say I’ve “gotten over it.” But there IS hope! I can’t explain that part but to say that God is great and He sustains all and He is faithful even when I am faith-less. In the end, it realy comes down to His character. And the promise that those who trust in Him will not be disappointed.
Thanks for sharing this bit of your heart, it encouraged me today!!
Arabah, thank you so much for your comment! I looked at your name and knew it sounded familiar, I have your book on my Kindle app, I have yet to read it, though. Your comment is an encouragement to me! I’m so thankful you found my blog.