Late last year there came a point where God spoke to my heart and encouraged me to just sit and watch what He will do. Up until then I had been working to control about every single situation in my life, in particular I was trying to control my husband’s illness. I wanted him better and I was determined to see that happen.
In my efforts I sent out prayer requests everywhere I could think of. I had faith that God would heal my husband. I believed and I prayed. There was one point where I prayed every single day, the same exact prayer, in hopes that I would see my husband healed overnight. But that didn’t happen. In fact his illness progressively had gotten worse. Eventually I got discouraged and gave up. I gave up control and in the process I also gave up hope.
When I realized that all hope was gone, that was when I began to send out a prayer request for God to renew my hope and my vision for the future. Because in my eyes if my husband wasn’t healed then life as *I* had planned it was over. Where was the hope if I couldn’t actually determine what I was going to receive in this life?
The beginning of my renewed hope began with God telling me to sit back and watch what He was going to do. I did feel a relief from not having to manipulate and maneuver this very confusing time in my life. I honestly had no idea what I was doing however I was determined to find the formula that was going to heal my husband and get me what I wanted out of life. I was determined to get what I wanted and create the life I thought God wanted for us. But the hypocrisy in that is that I wanted His will, and yet I was working towards mine.
So it has been a process of letting go and trusting God even when life doesn’t go the way I desired it to go. I have seen so many amazing things happen in the past four months and I continue to see more doors opening. Honestly I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life, and yet I have never felt more fulfilled either.
I’m not really sure how this all works. How I can have hope when honestly I don’t know what it is I am hoping for? Or how I can still hope when my prayer for healing over my husband goes unanswered? But I do. I still hope. I have hope that no matter what God will be glorified. But most of all I do hope that whatever happens, lives will be changed and people will commit their life to Christ. That is a true desire in my heart, that everyone who does not know Christ will come to know Him before it’s to late, and I know that’s what my husband wants too…